life after 5.0

i flunked a 3 unit course last sem. i found out about it when i checked my mail last week. it read: your average is 3.25, the final grade that will be recorded is 5.0.

i refreshed the page hoping to see another grade, but the page showed the same figure. so 5.0 it is.

i stood up, ate supper, and went up to my room. i was ok, i thought. so he did give me a 5.0. so what? the phone rang.

i don't know how she noticed but my tita called to check on me. i didn't look well, she said. she asked if i have a problem. i said no at first. but after some prodding, i burst. i.flunked.nego. suddenly, the world fell apart.

how did i fail? i studied so hard for that subject, more than any other subject perhaps. i read two books. i attended his classes. i studied the entire sem. where did i go wrong?

then i thought about all the efforts i've exerted since first year. the agony of keeping yourself awake to finish your readings, of waking up with swollen eyes, of facing the professor's wrath just to earn yourself decent grades. heck, i wasn't even aiming for laude; i was just hoping to keep those grades decent. now it's all gone, just like that.

my parents called the moment i texted them about it. how do you explain to your parents, who are working abroad to send you to law school, that you flunked a subject? well, i didn't have to explain. they were more worried about me feeling so bad about it that i might not be able to accept it. they knew 90 for me was low in high school and elem. and 2.0 is the only lowest grade i got in college. but 5.0? it's a first. (lang ya, di man lang dumaan ng 3.0 o 4.0)

in fact, they were so worried they called 3 times and texted countless other times just to make sure i'm ok. my tita checked on me twice, suggesting that i go out, but i preferred to stay inside my room. they were perhaps alarmed that i might get depressed. i assured them i'm ok. hell, i'm not going to kill myself over this.

so instead, i took the pieces charivari will sing the next day, and rehearsed until my head hurt. i tried sleeping and when i couldn't, i got up, took a shower and went to mass at 6am. the priest just said it right: despite all things that's happening, good things will come. i felt incredibly light on my walk home. everything will be better, i thought. omnia in bonum.

so off i went to the charivari gig that friday morning for up law's alumni homecoming. afterwards, i invited my friends to watch beowulf. around 15 of us went on a field trip to trinoma.

the next day i watched one more chance with rhea at eastwood.

on sunday, i put down my books and joined a 2-on-2 basketball match with my cousins and my brother. i've been ignoring their invitations for weeks because i had to study. this time around, i had nothing to lose, so i played, sank my first free throw and three point shot in a decade. that's what you call tsamba hehe.

on monday, it was back to school again, the start of the second sem.

if there's anything to be gained from this experience, as my friend/spiritual guide would say, it's that things will never be in your hands all the time. it's also a good way to learn humility and to reexamine what your intentions are. what am i in law school for?

i went to law school because i want to be a lawyer. but i would've wanted to work first, as a journalist, my other passion. i went to law school immediately after college because i passed LAE, and sayang naman if i didn't push through. i studied hard because i was off to a good start, sayang naman if i slacked off. i joined an internship program last summer not because i'm excited to work for a firm but because they only invited the top ten in the batch, sayang naman if i didn't grab the opportunity. and had this not happened, i would probably end up working in a big firm, never mind what i really want to do, because sayang naman if i don't take the job. now i've got nothing to lose. maybe i could finally start doing things i really really want to do, and not because sayang naman.

perhaps i should thank the prof?

well, so many negative things have been said about him. he flunked 30 of us and we never saw our bluebooks and our recit cards. he never showed up to those who wished to talk to him. i honestly don't think talking to him would do any good. and there's so much more i shall not bother to listen to. what for? no matter how bad he is, he is still the prof, who, in up law, is god. and there's nothing we can do about it.

prof. leonen once said, a prof may give you a 5.0 but that should not define you. that may be his impression of you at that particular moment but that doesn't make you a bad or good person that you are.

can't agree more.

i flunked nego, but 5.0 shall not define me. the world did not change and those i love still love me. and yes, avena gave me a 1.75. for me, that's all that matters. (humility is a work in progress hehe.)



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cross-posted at: driven 2