an avril song

"Fall To Pieces"

I looked away
Then I look back at you
You try to say
The things that you can't undo
If I had my way
I'd never get over you
Today's the day
I pray that we make it through

Make it through the fall
Make it through it all

And I don't wanna fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it
Cuz I'm in Love With you

You're the only one,
I'd be with till the end
When I come undone
You bring me back again
Back under the stars
Back into your arms


Wanna know who you are
Wanna know where to start
I wanna know what this means

Wanna know how you feel
Wanna know what is real
I wanna know everything, everything

[Chorus without last line]


I'm in love with you
Cuz i'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you


i seldom like songs na di ko pa naririnig. for some strange reason, this one rocks. lyrics pa lang nababasa ko, i'm into it already. pano kaya pag narinig ko?

it's mushy nga. at di masyadong subtle. but i like it still. tagos.

ayayay pag-ibig...



will be away for a few days. i'm going through an operation on thursday. will be admitted to the hospital tomorrow afternoon. hope to be home by saturday.

i'm not quite comfortable sharing the details of the surgery. it has something to do with the intestines but i think it's not that big. at least i feel well despite occasional discomforts these past few months (or maybe year).

the doctor said i may have to rest for a week or two after the operation, just in time for classes. hope everything turns out fine.

the operation is costly. there goes my chance of going to the wyd. but nothing is impossible i guess, so i may still have both my colon and cologne (germany), as one friend joked. (of course my condition isn't that serious.) isaw party daw after.

i guess this is the "parusa" for all the stress and the "pabaya" these past few years. or maybe for my wickedness. or katakawan. the bright side is that i get to rest, for a valid reason.

sana hindi masakit.



came across this article:

Promising Author Egolf Kills Himself at 33

LANCASTER, Pa. - Tristan Egolf, a political activist and author whose first novel at age 27 won him comparisons to William Faulkner and John Steinbeck, has died. He was 33.

Egolf died May 7 of a self-inflicted gunshot wound in a Lancaster apartment, said G. Gary Kirchner, Lancaster County coroner.

Egolf had shown signs of depression over the past 18 months, said Michael Hoober, a family therapist in Lancaster and friend of Egolf.

"He pushed the envelope wherever he went," Hoober said. "His creativity was always right in front of him, but somewhere in there it started to fall apart."


why would anyone so young and so promising decide to kill himself?

i get disturbed each time young people die because of something that's out of their control. but hearing about young people killing themselves is even more perplexing. nakapanlulumo.

i don't know egolf. i haven't even read his books. i don't know what was in his mind a few moments before he pulled that trigger. maybe he did have his own share of problems. maybe he felt he was losing his creativity, his ingenuity, his talent. maybe he felt it was the end of the line for him, so i can never judge him.

pero sayang. had he chosen to live, he could have done more good.

but what really struck me about this story is the fear that i might end up like him. i'd like to think i know how to handle failures. i'd like to believe that i will never do something unthinkable as killing myself. but i can never know for sure.

things are going well these days but tomorrow is still uncertain. i dread the thought that one day i will find myself depressed, disappointed and dismayed at all the things happening around me, with no love left even for myself that i will actually decide to pull that trigger or jump off a building.

i just wish people will see the brighter side of life and not dwell on their miseries. it's a choice really. i hope i'll make the right one.

i have to find solace in Him



i feel so used and abused. and lost.

i just need someone to talk to.


i left the house 6 am yesterday resigned to the fact that i'm no longer going to the world youth day. i had to shell out 110 euros for the reg fee due yesterday. e kahit 500 pesos wala ako sa wallet ko.

to my surprise, pera ang lumapit sa'kin. a friend of mine was literally handing me part of the sum needed. he was willing to lend it to me. at first nag-aalangan talaga ako coz san naman ako kukuha nung remaining sum? my friends told me to ask this other friend of ours. aba, in 30 mins, solved na problem ko! may pambayad na ko.

kaya ngayon, baon ako sa utang. at some other time and in some other situation, i wouldn't have accepted the money. san ako ng pambayad?

if it were not for the chance to meet the pope, to see cologne and 3 other cities, to go out of the country for the first time, to meet young people from different countries--a chance that might not happen again--i wouldn't have taken the risk.

it helps that should we fail to raise the amount for the plane fare, we'll get full refund so i can safely return the money to the owners. but i'm really hoping to raise enough funds to go there.

so i started scouting for part-time work (the guy who asked inquirer not to employ him is now looking for a job, hmmm...). i asked the guy i was referring to in my previous post (who was willing to pay too much...i don't know if he will still though) and he said he'll give me an editing job. then i plan to go back to that foreign exchange program to write for them.

i'm willing to work my way for this but as i've said, i'll simply spare my family and relatives from this. in fact, they don't even know that i'm considering going to cologne. they thought i was backing out because of the cost.

but this is too good a chance to pass up. as that friend who offered to lend me money said, if there's anything to blame for not going to cologne, it's not the lack of money but the lack of will. so ayun, pakapalan na ng mukha. bahala na how to raise the plane fare.

another friend said what happened yesterday was probably a sign i should be there in the wyd. maybe. sana nga makapunta.

anyway, i've heard this story about a girl writing everyone she knew and posting all over her blog that she needed money to go to another international youth event (was it world youth day?) she got more money than she asked for from complete strangers, some coming from the middle east. will this happen to me? hmm...wishful thinking.

i'm just so tired right now. came home 12 mn from a leadership seminar my org gave to youth leaders in pampanga. i'm off early tomorrow (or is it later?) 6 am to malate church to meet some folks. it's 2:30 am and i'm still blogging. good luck to me.

hindi umulan ng pera pero pera lumapit sa'kin. 'yang mga may work d'yan, baka naman pwede niyo kong tulungan hehe.


decision '05

haven't received any call yet from pdi. so i'm still very much floating status right now. last i've heard, my friends will soon start working. so glad for them. (libre ha! invite n'yo ko pag nagstarbucks kayo after your regular meetings.)

as if that weren't enough, tumawag ang gma. exam daw bukas. sa sobrang bilis, di ako nakatanggi. argh.

truth is, a part of me wants to work there, if not for the obligation sa inquirer. tv offers unparalleled impact on the lives of ordinary people. well, gusto ko rin magwork sa inquirer because it offers a different but a more familiar experience. gusto ko talagang magsulat ever since at kilala ko na ang ibang tao dun. tsaka, kung papogihan lang din ang labanan sa tv, wag na lang. wala akong balak mag-artista.

kaya para di na ko malito: law school na lang (anong reasoning kaya to?) nah, i've always wanted to be a lawyer also. hindi dahil gusto kong makipagdebate, pero dahil sa nakikita kong malaking papel na ginagampanan ng batas at ang pagpapatupad nito sa ating lipunan.

laws are supposed to ensure justice and order in society. laws are there so people's rights may be protected to the fullest possible manner without trampling on anybody else's rights. and laws are supposed to be directed toward what is true and what is good.

the problem is, hindi ganun ang nangyayari. the whole judicial process is meant to seek out the truth but it seems that everything boils down to having the best lawyers on your side. and who gets to have them? siyempre ang may pera. so pera-pera na lang pala ang batas.

that's a hasty generalization of course. pero that's how most people see it. and it's sad because i do think there are still good lawyers out there who still believe that law is a noble profession, the practice of which therefore should remain highly ethical at all times, if only to show respect to the craft. the purpose should always be public service and the discovery of the truth.

wag naman sana ako madisillusion this early. come on, i still have four years of endless "dates" with the constitution, the supreme cout rulings, the revised penal code, etc... dorky days will soon be here again!

pero the fact remains, sayang pa rin yung chance na magwork sa inquirer o gma.


good news: got this chance to join the 2005 world youth day in germany in august this year. bad news: i'm about to lose it. ang mahal kasi!

where will i find 110 euros (close to 8t) by friday to pay for reg? where will i get 1,300 us dollars to pay for the fare? there's a fund-raising campaign of course, but how am i supposed to raise enough for myself and for the others who are joining?

i've thought of asking my parents but here's the problem: with relatives getting seriously sick on my father's side while the businesses of my other relatives on my mother's side are having rough sailing, how can i turn a blind eye and ask for such a huge sum?

you see, while i feel so strongly about seeing the new pontiff (after beating my breast during john paul II's funeral for letting go of the chance to meet him 2 years ago), i still could not bring myself to spend that much for my own personal religious experience. true, the event could be life-changing but wouldn't using that money instead to help those in need be more christian? i don't wanna judge. siguro i'm just sourgraping kaya i'm saying all these. or maybe i lack the supernatural outlook. please help me see.

well, i have until friday to decide.

choices...why'd you always have to make one?


dream jobs

there's something about the un that makes me want to work there. hmmm...di ko alam. is it the thought that people from different cultures are coming together to work for world peace? (come on, look at iraq and how the un was inutile in stopping the us from waging war.) or it must be the movie i watched recently (ganda kasi ni nicole kidman hehe).

so ano ba talaga kuya? will you be a journalist, a lawyer, a teacher or an ambassador to the un? a e, pwede bang maranasan lahat? talk about career crisis. just when i thought i had everything planned out.

got this photo from a friend who's in new york right now (thanks a lot). i told her iphophotoshop ko so eto na nga. ang kapal talaga! anyway, i could sense makakarating din ako dyan sa building na yan...maybe as a tourist first, then as a man with a mission (of blowing up the building haha...terrible...wala po akong balak maging terrorist, just to be clear about it).

this world affairs thing has really gotten me interested recently. not that i know so much about it (i certainly would want to study world politics), but it has made me want to work for cnn or bbc. not just for the perks of travelling and getting to other places but also to gain a global perspective on different things. well, it also helps that i'm fascinated with cnn's huge screen, yung nahahati haha (i sound so bobo and frivolous). saw one in pldt last year. magkano daw? 25 million. in ten years i said haha.

or baka mag-al jazeera na nga lang ako. total, my parents are in qatar and from the looks of it, hahabol sa kanila brother ko when he's done with his nursing studies. astig nga yun, baka mainterview ko pa si bin laden.

but nah, i think i have a reason to stay in the philippines. well, maybe reasons.

anyway...may isa pa akong dream job. agent 007. talk about my favorite fictional character. and it's not for the girls ha, but for the thrill of getting caught, tortured and killed. i don't know what's with sleuthing and spying (napaghahalata bang stalking is my favorite hobby?) i'm not quite comfortable though about the idea of breaking people's trust just so you could get classified info for your country. but if it's for the sake of saving the world... hay... messianic complex.

pero ang cool kasi ng gadgets ni james bond e. astig pa ng suit. san ka nakakita ng taong naka-coat and tie na umaakyat ng bubong. ayos pa ang mga car nya. and the hair! hindi nagugulo. gel ba gamit niya?

talk about worldly things. i might as well fuss about them on this blog and forget them afterwards than think about them the whole time. call that stress relief. nah, it's wishful thinking. or daydreaming on this hot summer day.

anyway, things are looking good these days. i've always thought it feels strange na walang ginagawa so i've been looking for some things for me to do; don't want to keep myself idle. if it's not going out of the house, writing is taking most of my time. writing as in blogging, sending e-mail, but definitely not the dorky writing type.

i hope to get some reading materials pretty soon. leisure reading. any suggestions? or good movies? foreign movies at that. chungking express? other wong kar wai movies?

talk about movies...wag na lang. basta, manonood ako ng movie pretty soon.

not a man of the world, but a man in the middle of the world!



I'll Never Go
Erik Santos

You always ask me those words I say
And telling me what it means to me

Every single day, you always act this way
For how many times I've told you
I love you for this is all I know

Come to me and hold me and you will see
The love I give for you still hold the key

[Repeat REFRAIN]

I'll never go far away from you
Even this sky will tell you that I need you so
For this is all I know (I know)
I'll never go far away from you

[Repeat 2nd stanza]

Every single day (every single day), you always act this way
For how many times I've told you
I love you for this is all I know

[Repeat CHORUS]


I'll never go (never go) far away from you
Even this sky will tell you that I need you so
For this is all I know (I know)
I'll never go far away from you

(I'll never go far away from you)
Even this sky will tell you that I need you so
For this is all I know (I know)
I'll never go far away from you

(I'll never go, never go away)
(I'll never go away, never go)

lagi kong naririnig these past few nights. parang gusto kong magkamtv nito. hmmm...


happy, sad, indifferent

the lecture today was probably the best so far. well, it wasn't really a lecture. t'was more of a workshop really.

i divided the students into groups and made them evaluate sample paraphrases and precis (comm1 memories). that sort of broke the ice since i made sure they get mixed and that they mingle with each other.

then, i made them speak for 2 minutes in front, impromptu, ala comm3. game naman sila. i divided them into pairs and they were to talk about their partners. t'was fun. etong panalong intro: my friend here must really be tired coz she's been running in my mind all the time (haha, bumenta na to ewan ko ba't ako natawa. corny people unite!)

the energy in the room was so high we went into overtime. may bonding session pa daw sila tom, the last day of the seminar. am glad they're finally at ease with each other, wala nang factions. that should help them when they go to taiwan. at sana may pasalubong sila for me after four years...


on a sad note, found out that the breast cancer of a cousin of mine has gotten worse. she's only in her late twenties and she has a little baby girl. worse, hindi pa ata niya alam, pati rin family niya, coz my relatives are so afraid may mangyari sa mother nya.

the last time i saw her was last january, sa surigao. her hair had started to grow by then since matagal na rin siyang naoperahan. dun ko lang nalaman that she had cancer. kala ko nga ok na siya but she's now in a hospital in cebu. kumalat na raw ang cancer cells. the doctors said she has 2 years to live. i need all your prayers.

prayers also for another uncle of mine suffering from brain tumor. i last met him in surigao last october. he was diagnosed with the disease nung nandito na ko sa manila.

i remember last november, i met one of my uncles, so mother's side naman, in surigao. we haven't met for the longest time so it came as a surprise even to him na nakihitch ako sa motorcycle he was driving. di pa nga nya ako nakilala at first; had to introduce myself. sabay pa kaming nagpunta sa cemetery kasi all souls' day nun.

that meeting was probably the first and the last. two weeks after, nasa manila na ako when i received a text msg narrating how he died. he was a policeman kasi and he was responding to an alleged bank heist, kaya umakyat siya sa bubong. he got electrocuted and he fell off the roof, basag ulo nya.

he was only in his late 30s with 3 kids pa. ang masaklap, false alarm daw. walang robbery.

ang common denominator nilang tatlo: nameet ko sila in the course of doing my thesis. sila yung tipong matagal ko nang hindi nakikita and when we finally met, i had no inkling of the things that were to happen to them. hay...buhay.


on a completely different story, someone called me up today. nagulat ako coz paiba-iba ng number. international call pala. si ann.

si ann. the -ex who never was. the long-time crush that never became mine, coz someone always got in the way. in short, the girl who got away. and for the longest time, the yardstick, the barometer, the ruler (it helps na literally matangkad siya).

all the while, i was thinking nasa cebu pa siya. when she got back from texas last january, i happened to be in cebu a few days after. ang hirit ng friend ko, "grabe jobert, nagpunta ka talaga ng cebu para makita siya (not true)." but we never met; she was with her bf, na matagal na ring hindi niya nakasama. who was i to get in the way?

so i told her i can wait. i honestly didn't know what i meant when i said that. was i waiting na maging free na siya? or was i simply waiting for the chance to see her? now, i'd say it was the latter.

matagal-tagal rin kaming nag-usap: 42 minutes. (nagpapaphotocopy ako sa sc when she called. nakasakay na ko ng jeep, nakababa na sa may q ave mrt, magkausap pa rin kami.) napanaginipan daw kasi niya ako the past 3 nights, and the circumstances weren't that good. umiiyak daw ako, although for an unknown reason. di raw siya nakatulog.

i told her buhay naman ako. that should keep her worries at bay.

but the really noteworthy thing about the whole experience--i felt nothing. wala na kong maibubuga, wala na kong maramdaman...

ewan. it felt like i was talking to a friend whom i haven't talked to for a long time. kinikilig ba ako? hindi, hindi na. in fact, i was trying so hard to sound chummy, coz i thought i sounded dry.

hindi ko alam. siyempre natutuwa ako to get the call. but somehow, something was missing. and i knew it wasn't there. kung ano yun, i'll figure out.

anyway, she'll start studying this fall. pag nagkataon, sabi ko, sabay pa kaming gagraduate. well, mauuna siguro ako dito by a few months, if things go well.

life there daw is tough. pero i know kaya nya yan. i know her life story well enough--pangtelenovela, i tell you.

does this mean i'm over her? maybe. yeah, it should. the mere fact that i'm writing about it should be a sign. (you see, i keep the intimate details only to myself. all the showbiz ones, i write them down on this blog.)

but you never know. life has its own surprises.

lovelife talaga o (or the lack thereof), sakit sa puso. pati sa ulo.

it's over.


floating status

final interview kanina sa inquirer with the hr manager. things went smoothly at first. then he asked me where i see myself 5-10 years from now. so sinabi ko na rin sa wakas. he asked me if i've made my decision. i said yes.

after several questioning, sabi niya, "you find yourself in a dilemma." huh? uh-oh. "we're in some kind of technicality here."

pinipilit ko sarili ko ngumiti. "sir, i'm not getting employed. i'm going to study." "i understand, but the company has vacancies..." i could almost hear him cite the clause in the contract stating that PDI scholars are required to work for a year. buti na lang di na nya sinabi pero what the, ganun din ibig niyang sabihin.

to be fair though, he delayed judgment and promised to consult with the research division head. tatawagan daw ako this week. floating status muna. whew! *cross fingers*

on a positive note, nakausap ko sec ni mr yambot before i left. although medyo tinatakot-takot na nya ako with the possibility of paying 40t kung di ako matutuloy sa PDI, sabi naman niya she'll talk to him about it. baka daw pumayag. baka.

hay...the perils of being tied up to a scholarship. pero salamat pa rin inquirer. i have absolutely no reason not to want to work for PDI, except nga lang in this very rare instance. sabi ko nga, kung magpapaemploy na rin lang ako, sa inquirer na. it's just that, i'm not up for employment right now...tsaka na lang.

guyito trivia: ang pinakamalaking guyito na nakadisplay sa ground floor ng inquirer office sa makati ay nagkakahalaga ng 75t pesos. ang mahal! ang bigat pa. 5 tao ang kelangan para buhatin 'to.

ang hirit ng taga-hr: if you're planning to impress someone with the big guyito, not a good idea. ang tanong: ba't naman guyito ang bibilhin ko? how...unromantic!


english anyone?

finally started the english lecture this afternoon at ua&p.

i was a bit nervous at first. these kids are graduates of quesci, phisci and st. jude afterall so they are definitely above your average high school students. plus, they passed a 4-year full scholarship to a university in taiwan. maseswerte na, matatalino pa!

on top of these, the lecture was in english so i had to psyche myself up to keep myself from stammering and my tongue from slipping. you never know when your bisaya accent will kill you.

but as it turned out, the lecture went really went. the moment i stepped on the podium, it felt like comm3 days again (without ms yebron of course). i don't know, i just felt at home and at ease.

it helped that the students were very receptive and participative, too. after 30 minutes of introduction (we should know each other, shouldn't we?), we had a one-hour discussion on reading. we spent the next hour doing boardwork (ala-ma'am carlos hehe) but they were still very much into the discussion when we ended at around 6:30 p.m. cool!

mukhang may natutunan naman ata sila, pati ang ilang parents.

sarap ng feeling after. i felt contented; t'was as if i accomplished something. hay...the sense of fulfillment--one thing i'll surely miss about tutorials. (hope my tutees will do well this coming year without me.)

tomorrow, we'll continue with the writing lecture. then, public speaking on thursday (who has the red comm3 book? pahiram asap). it's on to research on friday, the last day of the seminar.

i hope all lectures in the next few days will go smoothly as it did this afternoon. it's always nice to meet young bright people. hope they do well in taiwan.

speaking of tomorrow, bukas na ang final interview ko sa inquirer. and i thought lawrence and i were off the hook. buti si lawrence he lost his phone so di siya makontak ni ma'am christy. (cy pala will start on monday!)

pano ko kaya sasabihin tom sa hr manager na, sir, i plan to take further studies (na hindi nila ako pagbabayarin ng 40t?). hmmm...magpapraktis na ako tonight. wish me luck!

by some stroke of luck, may nag-ooffer sakin ng part-time editing job na 10t a month. i don't know if seryoso sya or if seseryosohin ko rin, hmmm...i told him you pay too much sir. buong sweldo na yan ng full-time cub reporter sa inquirer a!

i don't really want to give my word yet coz i might not be able to live up to it. i heard 16 hours a day daw ang aralan sa law school.

hindi pa nga ako nakakabalik dun sa exchange student program where i write part-time. they were asking kung monthly ba daw o per article ang gusto kong rate. i told them i have yet to adjust sa law school.

i just want to be a good student this time. wag na munang masyadong extra-curriculars, except the stuffs i can't afford to give up.

i owe it to everyone, mostly to Him, to do well in law school. after that, let's see what will happen.

for the meantime, excited na kong magprepare ng ppt at hand-outs for tomorrow. i just love teaching! (di ko na alam profession ko...basta, babalikan ko ang media--news, hindi showbiz.)



it must have been the food i ate. it must be days of lipas-gutom.

whatever it is, i spent the whole afternoon yesterday throwing up. i must have vomited around 15 times and i was really feeling weak. i kept coming back to the cr, my head was spinning, and i felt like collapsing already.

my mother and lola were giving me all sorts of stuff. pinainom na ko ng kape, which i threw up also. then, simeco, loperamide, at kung anu-ano pa. sabi pa ng lola ko, uminom daw ako ng apdo ng sawa (python's spleen). what the?

sa loob-loob ko, hindi po ako guinea pig so i asked them to call my tita who's a doctor. the medicines she gave me did make me feel better until night fell.

dumating naman isang kamag-anak namin. pinahilot ako. ang gamit: herbal oil na may halong tuba-tuba leaves and bark. it smells really bad, not to mention nakakastain siya sa damit. but what can i do? kelangan daw lumabas ang lamig sa katawan...

pero ganun din, i threw up 3 more times kinagabihan. but i did feel better, kahit nanghihina pa rin.

joke nga ng uncle kong priest, gusto ko na ba daw magpa sta. lana (anointing of the sick). sabi ko, grabe naman, mabubuhay pa ko no. sabi niya, para naman daw yun sa may sakit and not necessarily for the dying.

so i'm here, stuck sa bahay. i'm supposed to have lunch with the organizers of a lecture i'm part of set to start today. but i have to beg off. rest muna baka mapano pa.

i feel weak



i went to baguio thinking it'll be one of those usual baguio trips again. sight-seeing. picture-taking. plus, a welcome break from the summer heat. pero mali pala ako...medyo.

the day after we arrived, we went on a hike somewhere near kennon road to get to the foot of what they call the "hydro" falls. it was a 20-30 minute trek kung saan kinailangan naming tumawid sa isang hanging bridge, sa ilog at sa sandamakmak na kabatuhan. it was surprisingly fun, hopping from one boulder to another. at times, mapapa-rock climbing ka pa just to get to the other side.

but the trek was worth it. the view near the falls was a sight to behold. ang lamig pa ng hangin. (weird nga e, nasa baguio na nga kami, naghahanap pa rin ng malamig!) pero hindi pa dun natapos ang aming adventure.

may tatlong layer ang falls. i thought magsiswimming na kami sa foot nun pero, umakyat pa kami to get to the second one. the climb was really steep. para sa isang first-timer na katulad ko, di ko alam kung paano ako nakaakyat at nakababa. had to grab the nearest plants, rocks at kung ano pang pwedeng kapitan to keep myself from slipping.

when we finally reached the top, i remember shouting, are we crazy or what? nakakalula ang taas ng aming kinalalagyan. konting galaw lang, alam kong mahuhulog na kami. i could almost imagine myself falling off the cliff...bye bye cruel world.

buti na lang at nakababa naman kami ng maayos. nakapagswimming din sa wakas para matanggal ang dumi at kati sa katawan. had cuts all over my hands and legs.

we spent the rest of the trip going around baguio--sa camp john hay, botanical gardens, the mansion, sa cathedral, sa grotto, at baguio city country club. it's my third time there already but i'm still surprised andami ko pa palang di napuntahan. ganda ng sm baguio. di ganun kalaki but it does look like a castle from afar, towering over the whole city--at least hindi mukhang box unlike the usual. from its roofdeck, we saw baguio at night. cool!

we went home feeling bitin. some other time na lang uli siguro. now it's back to the scorching heat of manila.

buti na lang sumama ako.