happy, sad, indifferent

the lecture today was probably the best so far. well, it wasn't really a lecture. t'was more of a workshop really.

i divided the students into groups and made them evaluate sample paraphrases and precis (comm1 memories). that sort of broke the ice since i made sure they get mixed and that they mingle with each other.

then, i made them speak for 2 minutes in front, impromptu, ala comm3. game naman sila. i divided them into pairs and they were to talk about their partners. t'was fun. etong panalong intro: my friend here must really be tired coz she's been running in my mind all the time (haha, bumenta na to ewan ko ba't ako natawa. corny people unite!)

the energy in the room was so high we went into overtime. may bonding session pa daw sila tom, the last day of the seminar. am glad they're finally at ease with each other, wala nang factions. that should help them when they go to taiwan. at sana may pasalubong sila for me after four years...

***

on a sad note, found out that the breast cancer of a cousin of mine has gotten worse. she's only in her late twenties and she has a little baby girl. worse, hindi pa ata niya alam, pati rin family niya, coz my relatives are so afraid may mangyari sa mother nya.

the last time i saw her was last january, sa surigao. her hair had started to grow by then since matagal na rin siyang naoperahan. dun ko lang nalaman that she had cancer. kala ko nga ok na siya but she's now in a hospital in cebu. kumalat na raw ang cancer cells. the doctors said she has 2 years to live. i need all your prayers.

prayers also for another uncle of mine suffering from brain tumor. i last met him in surigao last october. he was diagnosed with the disease nung nandito na ko sa manila.

i remember last november, i met one of my uncles, so mother's side naman, in surigao. we haven't met for the longest time so it came as a surprise even to him na nakihitch ako sa motorcycle he was driving. di pa nga nya ako nakilala at first; had to introduce myself. sabay pa kaming nagpunta sa cemetery kasi all souls' day nun.

that meeting was probably the first and the last. two weeks after, nasa manila na ako when i received a text msg narrating how he died. he was a policeman kasi and he was responding to an alleged bank heist, kaya umakyat siya sa bubong. he got electrocuted and he fell off the roof, basag ulo nya.

he was only in his late 30s with 3 kids pa. ang masaklap, false alarm daw. walang robbery.

ang common denominator nilang tatlo: nameet ko sila in the course of doing my thesis. sila yung tipong matagal ko nang hindi nakikita and when we finally met, i had no inkling of the things that were to happen to them. hay...buhay.

***

on a completely different story, someone called me up today. nagulat ako coz paiba-iba ng number. international call pala. si ann.

si ann. the -ex who never was. the long-time crush that never became mine, coz someone always got in the way. in short, the girl who got away. and for the longest time, the yardstick, the barometer, the ruler (it helps na literally matangkad siya).

all the while, i was thinking nasa cebu pa siya. when she got back from texas last january, i happened to be in cebu a few days after. ang hirit ng friend ko, "grabe jobert, nagpunta ka talaga ng cebu para makita siya (not true)." but we never met; she was with her bf, na matagal na ring hindi niya nakasama. who was i to get in the way?

so i told her i can wait. i honestly didn't know what i meant when i said that. was i waiting na maging free na siya? or was i simply waiting for the chance to see her? now, i'd say it was the latter.

matagal-tagal rin kaming nag-usap: 42 minutes. (nagpapaphotocopy ako sa sc when she called. nakasakay na ko ng jeep, nakababa na sa may q ave mrt, magkausap pa rin kami.) napanaginipan daw kasi niya ako the past 3 nights, and the circumstances weren't that good. umiiyak daw ako, although for an unknown reason. di raw siya nakatulog.

i told her buhay naman ako. that should keep her worries at bay.

but the really noteworthy thing about the whole experience--i felt nothing. wala na kong maibubuga, wala na kong maramdaman...

ewan. it felt like i was talking to a friend whom i haven't talked to for a long time. kinikilig ba ako? hindi, hindi na. in fact, i was trying so hard to sound chummy, coz i thought i sounded dry.

hindi ko alam. siyempre natutuwa ako to get the call. but somehow, something was missing. and i knew it wasn't there. kung ano yun, i'll figure out.

anyway, she'll start studying this fall. pag nagkataon, sabi ko, sabay pa kaming gagraduate. well, mauuna siguro ako dito by a few months, if things go well.

life there daw is tough. pero i know kaya nya yan. i know her life story well enough--pangtelenovela, i tell you.

does this mean i'm over her? maybe. yeah, it should. the mere fact that i'm writing about it should be a sign. (you see, i keep the intimate details only to myself. all the showbiz ones, i write them down on this blog.)

but you never know. life has its own surprises.

lovelife talaga o (or the lack thereof), sakit sa puso. pati sa ulo.

..........
it's over.