crushed

this is one of those times when i wish people don't read the news. just when i'm all set to leave for maguindanao (change of plans, i'm no longer going to basilan) for the armm elections, then comes a scathing text message from my parents, after having read the news: i thought mga bright mo. wa mo maghunahuna na nag ready na ang mga milf for war due to tro sa moa signing. hinay hinay baya mo. (akala ko matalino kayo. di niyo ba iniisip na naghahanda na ang mga milf para sa giyera dahil sa tro sa moa signing. dahan dahan kayo.)

where did that come from?

i know i know there's been talk about "fear of resurgence of violence" in the armm region because of the suspension of the signing of the memorandum of agreement on ancestral domains between the milf and the philippine government. but to say that milf is preparing for war, that's a bit exagg from my point of view.

or maybe they are. regardless. war or not, the armm elections will push through and so will our job in monitoring the automated elections. there's no turning back now. not two days before the scheduled flight!

i tried arguing my way before my parents over ym. i told them that everything will be fine since there'll be lawyers around and that we'll just stay in counting centers. i told them that i think what we're doing is really important that's why i'm willing to cut classes for it (before launching into a discourse on how vital elections are to democracy, how this armm automated elections will affect 2010 elections, and how my presence there will be my own little contribution as a filipino). i tried varying the intonation of my voice, changing the look on my face, god knows what else. i even asked my brother to help me argue my case. alas, it seems that my arguing skills aren't working. after an hour or so of pleading before the chief magistrates, i am unable to convince them to change their minds.

damn.

this is terrible. i am 23 years old and yet i can't decide for myself. it's not as if i'm leaving a 2-year-old kid behind should something happen (god forbid). i'm not suicidal but what will happen to the world if we constantly live under the fear of something going wrong? i mean, if you die, it's your time to die, whether you're in maguindanao or not.

of course, i'm not a parent so i may not be able to understand how it is to be worried sick over your beloved child who has gone to some unsafe place. i understand how my parents feel, but does this mean i will never be allowed to go to these places just because they're "unsafe"? what if it's my job to go there to cover these places? (i haven't even told them about what i wanted to do after law school.)

i can argue with them forever but the moment they start talking about working abroad to send me to law school and how they just wish to see me graduate, i just fall on my tracks. how can i argue against that?

how will i ever explain to them that i feel strongly about lente and the whole automated election monitoring thing. we've been preparing for this for months now. i've been looking forward to that trip. and it's not because i just want to. it's because i think i have to.

maybe i'm a bit naive or too idealistic. maybe it's foolish to go to armm these days, as a blockmate of mine would point out. maybe i just have this messianic complex that's misplaced. someone bring me back to my senses please. or let me just rant for a while.

now i'm not sure if i'm going to school today because frankly, i don't know why i should. the only reason i see why we should study the law is for us to apply it and make our own contributions, no matter how little, to improving this country. it shouldn't wait until we graduate; it should start now while we're still in law school.

if i can't even do that, why bother. especially if i really can't see myself making pleadings all day and making millions out of it. and be a waste of space.